A feeling that something was wrong (A Marine remembers, Part 2)

[A continuing series by guest author Ross Caputi.]

Smoke rises from fighting in Fallujah, Iraq
Smoke rises from fighting in Fallujah, Iraq. Image in public domain.

It was tormenting and too vague to put into words; but even if I could, I would have been too afraid to talk about it. Whatever it was, I knew that the consequences of saying it out loud would have been enormous.

It had something to do with Fallujah. It had something to do with the Marine Corps, my platoon, and my country. It was a feeling that something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was. And it seemed as if nobody felt it but me.

That feeling began in Fallujah. There were moments during the fighting when I felt disgusted with what I was seeing, and there were moments when I picked up my gun and tried to be the hero that I joined the Marine Corps to be.

Most of the time I felt torn between the things that I had joined the Marine Corps for—glory, adventure, and the GI Bill—and a very clear truth about what we were doing to the people of Fallujah. In those moments an uneasy feeling materialized inside of me, and it continued for a long time afterwards.

When friends from my unit told war stories about Fallujah, I would fake a smile, or laugh, or do whatever seemed appropriate; and that feeling would creep into my gut.

When people thanked me for my service, I would bite my tongue and not say what was really on my mind; and that feeling would be there, gnawing at me.

Ross Caputi, former Marine, founder of the Justice for Fallujah Project, and former president of the Boston University Anti-War Coalition